SYNCHRONICITY DIARY
10.14.24
i felt like shit all yesterday because i went too hard talking about jonny in front of other people and it made me feel really guilty. i'm starting to wonder if i've become a worse person--i talk shit about people while just jealous and just living without making any changes and i don't know i need to change so much about myself. i'm just feeling deeply unhappy about where i am and i want something different for myself and my life. last night, the edible made me way too high and i just couldn't think or do anything and above all i couldn't sleep. it just felt so hellish being unable to sleep and having so many rushing thoughts about my life, about how nothing ever seems able to change, about how i feel like i'm in a worse situation than i was a year or two ago. i need things to change, i think if they don't i'm really just going to kill myself. i can't stand living in this way any longer. i just really need things to change but i feel like i can't implement change a lot of the time because it's not according to drew's schedule and idk idk it just feels like my life is goingly to endlessly spiral and change and become something i can't stand. i need to give myself dreams and guidance i just feel so alone and so lost and so upset with where i am.
10.8.24
i think maybe im feeling a little bit better today but i still teared up multiple times and i still feel a little strange. right now im listening to makeout music by 12rods and just... i wish i didnt have this weird uti and feeling sick overall. feeling still out of control with my living situation and just having little to no privacy in general. but it really just seems like nothing will ever change--it's almost the end of 2024 it feels and nothing has changed at all: im still in a living situation i hate and still in the job i keep talking about needing to leave. at least i'm actively making a resume and trying to apply out to places, but it feels so impossible navigating my living situation and also trying to apply for jobs. like just trying to do anything often feels so impossible when half of the house feels like i cant exist or move in it for 90% of the day... and i feel bad putting these neuroses on drew as well. i had to make them clean at a time they really didn't want to this morning because i don't like cleaning when someone else is just sitting... in the same room... watching, it feels so awkward and bad and so i cant clean when julian is awake. i really just feel like living in a different place would change everything for me--but maybe that's just hopeful thinking and not founded in anything real but it really does feel like so much of my thoughts are focused on like... getting around the living situation i hate and trying to find privacy for myself. and it just feels impossible here: i'm literally so scared of julian's birthday and this party he's having because i know it's going to be hell for me, and just seeing like the porch being cleaned off... like i really just can't have people out there during the night because it's right against my headboard and there's no sound proofing! like idk. just a horrible living situation all in all. i need to be rid of it, but i also just don't want to force drew to live in atlanta another year. i don't want them to be thirty and still living in this hell city. the idea of that depresses me.
10.7.24
im honestly pissed at jonny like mainly just how he tried to frame not wanting to live with us as some sort of incidental thing... like, oh, it's only because i got offered a room that i'm not going to live with you guys... like jonny, that's a fucking lie and you told us beforehand that if you were to get that offer you wouldn't take it because you wanted to live with us. and just framing it like that is so dishonest and shameless! after planning for months to live with us and move with us and being the person who started this whole idea in the first place... but then backing out when the cat is mean to you... and not understanding that a cat is a cat and just needs time to habituate to your presence... and fucking us over in the process and not taking like any accountability for that or how you made us like... spend hundreds of dollars on a trip to philly to scout it out and how i stayed in a house that makes me want to kill myself in order to like be able to move whenever even if it was like... not even my ideal place to move... like i am just pissed pissed pissed. and then to have the audacity to act like weird and mad when i said that, yes! i am mad! so much that your little silent treatment made drew say lies like "we would do the same thing in your situation"... like no, drew. we wouldn't do the same thing in jonny's situation and you know it.
10.5.24
sitting in this little park bench just not knowing what to do ive felt completely overwehlmed all day, driving thru the city it just feels like everything is out to get me and it just feels like there is no little hole to crawl in and be unseen i think about the animals in the city a lot does this bother them? i feel like them, or how i assume they might be looking for a little hole to be alone in, unseen in... but in the city that doesnt exist youre unseen in your seennness i guess thaere is a freedom in that, or ive heard there is, but i dont personally feel it being seen feels like a prison, im having to be seen be percieved be known and people make a judgement even if it is a judgement of nothing i wonder sometimes if being so occupied with seenness is part of me being trans i never feel like i am properly seen not as a i present and maybe i like that sometimes but it also deeply bothers me like i just dont know hwwhat i want sometimes i feel like my cat sometimes he justyells and i dont mnow why and i think he yells because he wants to want something different this sort of strange needing a need being content doesnt exist i think not truly or at least not longer than a few moments, then your mind wonders to something that isn't fulfilled idk i guess im just describing how the will works or how like suffering works in a bhuddist sense maybe i need to read more buddhist lit or maybe i need to read schopeanhaier again but i think if i tried to read schopenhaurer right now i might just kill myself lol i just feel so fucking trapped and i used to have something to focus on about my trapped feeling but like i sont anymore my needs are fulfilled to some degree but nownim just unmoored and just... unhappy im like the dumbest person on the planet i think i just cant believe i saw jason last night it really felt like i had seen a ghost at first, crossing in front of that house with all the livhts and the huge skeletons and the scary follsound effects just to see the one person right in fromt of me who i am actually scared of--the rwal horror just... and then to see him again and to know it wasnt just some figment of my mind that conjured this ghost up and he was real and flesh and fhere... my heart never beats out of my chest and my blood never runs quite as cold as the few times that i see him it just feels like a kind of death-- seeing him again and then i remember how it once was, and i remmember how i was treated and i remember his touch and his insults and i remember how biolated he i dont know i just feel so violated still just remembering how much i cared for him at a point too and remembering how much i showed him myself only to realized he had raped and sexually assaulted me and saying no should have been ok it shouldnt have been ignored multiple times and waking up to him having sex with me wasnt okay and having sex only when drunk as shit wasnt okay and i just cant believe that its real and that was me and i want to forget it all over again but he's in my head again and i can't escape and that was me some lady walking by just stared at me with this cross smile on her face as if wondering if i was okay and i feel seen in a negative way once again and i just want to shed this skin like my uterus is shedding right now and i want my blood to pool on the ground and sureound me and i want to be gone of his be rid of this i want to be born anew and like me i want to be changed but i mm stuck in this shedding dead dying body rotting away blood between my legs and memories of biolation around me
